try me

As I sit in one of the safest spaces I have on this world ( my office at work), I'm reflecting on the weekend and hurricane of shitty feelings that had been conjured up. 

I was faced with one of my most prominent battles. 

The fight to feel like I am enough despite comments from people who state that you aren't.

 Fighting the desire to please, to meet expectations of being both thin, attractive, obedient, and successful (financially, forget that figurative impact you can have on the hearts of others. That can go unacknowledged). 

Fighting the firey uge to toss my middle finger in the air and advocate for the bad ass they refuse to see in me. 

I FUCKING DARE YOU TO LIVE ONE DAY IN MY LIFE.

Not to say my life is any more difficult than anyone else, I know we all have our own crosses to carry, and yes,  I'm sure I would pick mine back up if we all laid our own out in the middle. 

I just want you to see what it looks like to try not to succumb to media pressures of what it looks like to be an attractive woman, as well as embrace the fact that I don't have the figure of a "typical asian woman". To feel like enough in the body I was given, to love my assets, to embrace my uniqueness. 

I WORK FUCKING HARD FOR THE BODY THAT I HAVE. While I know many MANY people who can sit on a bag of bqq chips and look the same, or "better" by these standards. I can't help but wonder what the HELL YOU ALL WANT FROM ME.

Why am I even doing this for you? Wait, I'm not. But why then are your comments like daggers to my heart?! 

 I am also in the process of finishing a Master's degree that would love to be the only thing in my life but I CHOOSE to teach Sunday school so I can be sure to leave a positive impact on the youth today. All the while, I am STRUGGLING to throw my dream wedding that not only meets my values of celebrating the union between myself and the love of my life but also pleases all critical Vietnamese who like to think the bride ought to treat THEM like royalty. 

Now, let's do all of this and still be able to meet at home expectations of being a good daughter who is present under the roof. Sit in your room the whole time, whatever, just be there. Your presence is represented as your love and loyalty. It so appears that I can't love both them and myself at this point in life because a 26yr old who wants to build a life for herself can't do that while cooped up in her bedroom. Maybe if she was shown some grace and support in her endeavors? God, just chew on that for a second? 

No, I won't place blame on anyone else. There's going to be people who fucking talk where ever I go. I really have to learn to shake these things off because I know, as well as the other supporters of my life, what my life looks like. What I am capable of. And what to be proud of. 

Shoot me for wanting a little outward approval for the hard work I put in to being the greatest at what I am from my family. 

If I was so happy with the house that I built with the cards I was dealt, how is it so damn easy to feel this shitty because of a few critiques about my appearance. 

END RANT. and the end of this bullshit. i am finished. 

More than you can handle

Have you heard the phrase, "God would never give you something you couldn't handle"?

Have you said it? 

I heard a powerful message this last Sunday, debunking this remark of reassurance. In fact, I heard the exact opposite. 

God will always give you more than you can handle. 

In the Bible, time and time again you hear of all the people being given crosses, to heavy to bear, however, in addition, we hear of them receiving graces from God to exceed their own abilities. 

See, God will always give us more than we can handle. Whether we are up to our necks in responsibilities and commitments, pinned with the weight of the world, or drowning in sorrow, God is watching us and standing/kneeling/laying alongside us. In these times, we are meant to look to him for strength, guidance and growth.  In turn, many of us take times like these as opportunities to question His presence in our lives, or question His goodness. We shouldn't stray from hurt, pain or suffering, because it is through that that He saved us. It is through these very same experiences that God grows us, teaches us, and accompanies us. 

This is an amazing concept because I, for one, have always felt like I was given more than I could handle. I have thrown fits asking God why He is letting me hurt these hurts, and fail my way through ministry. Really, it is through these experiences that I can use to my benefit. It makes little sense, but hearing this statement, that God will always give me something I can't handle, brought me comfort. To know that the challenges are never ending can be devastating, but these moments are invitations for us to walk closer to God. To call out to him for his love and support. I feel like I walked out with a contingency plan. 

Surely, I'll feel like I was given more than I can handle

I also know that I have reinforcements I can call.

I have been successful and I will continue to be

Girl on Fire

Nick ran his first marathon today and as the fiance and number one supporter I woke up at 4:30am to drive him and  Giang to the race. I headed back afterwards and took a nap since my emotions kept me up really late last night.

I got to the finish line early so as to not miss their triumphant crossing of the finish line. I missed it for Nick's half marathon because I had to drive over from my 7k. I picked a spot among the cheering crowd a couple feet in front of the finish line. It was 30 minutes before Nick and Giang end up crossing the finish, but in my wait, I cheered for so many others vying for that finish line. I couldn't help but feel their joy, pride, relief one by one as they cross the line. We all clapped and yelped at everyone as they close the distance between them and the finish. It was awe-inspiring. The runners were of all walks of life, body types, ethnic backgrounds. Some ran alone, some ran with their buddies, and couples ran holding hands. There was a father who ran with a stroller of two little kids, as he approached the finish, he let them get out and cross the finish line with him. A couple ran across holding hands up in the air and after they crossed, the guy got down on one knee and proposed. Seeing all of this brought a rise of all sorts of emotion. I've been having a particularly rough weekend and I seemed to have leeched off what everyone who was crossing the line was feeling. I was so excited for them it made me want to cry...

I saw determination in the eyes of all of the runners, they are fixated on the banner with FINISH boldly printed. I felt fire radiating off everyone who was approaching the end of their race. It was amazing how this fire is expressed differently in everyone. It made me want to run again. I realized how addicted I am to feeling like I completed, finished, achieved a goal of mine. Hence the excitement when I ran the other races, or when I complete teacher training...I NEED A WIN in my life again. I decided as I was clapping and yelping for all the runners today, that I will lace up my own shoes, have the same FIRE in my eyes as I approach my own finish line. 

It just makes me think of how we all need this in life, I'm addicted to this feeling, and yet, navigating my career life and finding a finish line for that has been the biggest challenge I've ever had. I can't seem to put my finger on a job that I would enjoy, that would employ my gifts, that I could feel that much determination and excitement for. I don't believe I've ever put forth 100% on anything and I wonder why that is. What is it that bars me from it? Why am I low-balling job wise, and how do I break this cycle? 

I don't think I can afford it, but I'm going to gift myself this run. I want Nick to cheer me on my finish, and I want this girl to be on FIRE once again. 

 

Knowing the difference

What do you want to be when you grow up? 

We're often asked this as kids, to which we would answer with what ever occupation we feel like we want to pursue later in life. That's the root of the struggle in young adulthood as we try to make our place in the world. As children we were taught to define who we are with the occupation we choose and as we begin to understand ourselves, we find that there is no single occupation out there that could do the trick. 

That's because this is not how it works.

What we really should be asking is 

Who do you want to be? 

This is how you would want to define yourself. Your occupation can only account for so much, it's what you bring to the table that really counts. We all know that each teacher has different strengths, each nurse has a different way of caring for patients and each person within a career can have a specialty. Who you want to be deciphers what characteristics you strive to have, what talents you want to grow, how you want to make people feel. This is one of the most important questions to answer. 

Second question you should be asking yourself is

What would you like your job to be? 

Think on what you're able to commit 40 hours of your time each week. What can you spend so much time doing that won't suck the life out of you?  Be it making coffees and espressos or working for a large company - this should be something you believe in, something that employs all the gifts you are given. 

I hadn't felt the strong desire to write in ages. I'm not sure if its because I hadn't had the chance to even think or reflect amidst all the academic writing and other obligations, or if I really had nothing to write about. I felt the burning desire to jot this topic down for about two days before I found an opportunity to. 

I feel like this is a topic I could expand and present one day. I can already see it. 

I feel like in that sense it's wise for me to document it while it's fresh in my head.

I'm trying to make this distinction myself, I have struggled and am still struggling to find that perfect job and become a person I'm proud of. These two questions intertwine because I am not proud of the person I have become from working in the environment I've spent nearly a year in. I'm bitter, not hopeful, emotionally reactive, shut up, shut down, disempowered, etc. It makes absolutely no sense for me to leave this job especially since I'm in need of the money, but I can't stand to stay. 

I've been somewhat of a tumbleweed in the careers department, switching every time the wind chances just about...But I can't stand to stay where I know I don't belong. Each experience taught me what I needed to know about me, about life, about where I need to be in the world. For that, I'm happy with my winding road. 

this is my cross

The days upon my return from Fl were worse than I could ever have imagined. 

Over the trip I was able to peel of the defensive layers that protect my little soul and begin to expose it to the world. I had left that weekend with a shinier spirit and some energy to keep on swimming.

I was met in Minnesota with a rough couple days. I was completely stressed about school and feelings of needing to be 'good enough.' I had to teach the most one of the most disrespectful Sunday school classes I have ever had. Last night, shit hit the fan at the Vu residence, and though I held on to the peace I had gained on vacation with white knuckles, it slipped through my fingers. My sanity dissipated, my clarity was clouded once again by all the negativity around me, I boxed my little soul nestled safely in its chamber. 

Today was one of the days where I couldn't contain my disappointment anymore. I could no longer gratitude my way out, smile my way through, or just fake it till I made it.
 I cried while on the phone with Anh Thu for a while.
Just hurting over what my life has become and the product of a person it has made me. 

This is not the self I found while away. This is not the self I can be proud of.

I felt like so much is out of my hands, which frustrated this little 'fixer' of a person to no end.

My paradigm shift happened after shedding tears for much of the day, at confirmation mass. The Bishop, Piche (who is just darling, and definitely a favorite of mine) tells a story that made me feel like the clouds parted and God came to calm my pains.

I'm going to retell this the best I can, obviously not word for word- my memory is only so good.

" There was a man who carried his cross down the path, he was tired, sweaty, and complained of the cross he was carrying. He runs into Jesus on this path, who offers to take him to the cross warehouse. God helps him carry his cross tirelessly to the cross warehouse and sets it down. Jesus told the man that he had the option of picking out a new cross, one he feels would be better. 

So he searches through all the crosses. He picked a smaller one up but found that it was heavier than he could carry. He then stumbled across a thinner cross but felt that it was too big for him to carry comfortably. He picked up another cross and found that it gave him splinters, the next one was too fat to put his arms around. 

He spent time pouring over all of these crosses with little satisfaction until he looks towards the door. Picks up that cross and finds that it was just the right fit for him.

 He tells Jesus that he's found the right one and notices that Jesus was smiling and asked, 'Jesus, why are you smiling?' Jesus explained 

' The cross you have found to be the greatest fit was the one you were complaining about before. We all are carrying our own crosses, you see. Each one is designed specifically for you. All the struggles are ones you are meant to experience and learn from. "

I turned back to Chi Chi saying Oh my gosh this homily was written for us, for this situation, for this hellish phase of my life. I quickly turned back to face the front because my tears started welling up and my heart was racing. 

In this homily, God was speaking right to me.

It's as if he heard me yelling at him in the car and took this opportunity, this Bishop, to tell me that 

he knows my struggles are rough, but this is my cross.  

It's true. All of it. 

When the Bishop did the blessing at the end of mass, I felt my body heat up briefly. It was a little spooky, but I know He is with me. This is my cross, and I'm not carrying it alone.

This is the most I have felt God in a while, so thank you for visiting and getting my attention. 

I'm listening, let's keep on keepin' on.

??

"What would your ideal job look like?"

The interviewer looks at me curiously as I'm sifting through the files in my mind for some sort of answer. I'm usually good at interviews, with the exception of having to talk about myself so much, I love connecting with people, whipping out the charm, and talking about all the experiences I've had and how they make up who I am today. 

My body began to heat up as I realized how clueless I was of this. I'm frantically racking my brain for any trace of my " Big Picture" to no avail. I simply couldn't.

 It sounds like such an obvious question, why is it that I'm at a loss for words? It doesn't make sense.

I literally don't know what I want.

This is the first time in my life that I've ever felt this way. I've always had some sort of an idea, but here I was interviewing for a job I wasn't feeling strongly about, not sure of what I want from my life. It's a strange feeling, not the good strange either.

Dear Ann...

Dear Ann,

I know you're feeling useless at the moment, it's driving you crazy that you're not going a mile a minute with all sorts of things to knock of a never ending to do list. It's okay though, you deserve this. As much as it's killing you to have this much time on your hands, it'd literally kill you if you didn't.

I'm so hard so hard on you, beating you down just for being you. I doubt your abilities, from being able to lift heavy enough weights, or writing a good enough paper, I'm always declaring your failure before you even start. All the while, you see me be compassionate, understanding and forgiving to everyone else and their shortcomings. No, it's not fair, and it is definitely not on purpose. I pay more attention to everything you're not, rather than highlighting everything you do and have.

You're not even a month into life as a 25 year old, so why are you already pressing for '25' as you picture it?

Instead of counting your so called shortcomings as a 25 year old, let's not disregard everything you accomplished at 24.

You got into grad school, to some that's just the circle of life, but for you, it was like moving mountains. You had to overcome your insecurities about your writing skills, your GPA, and the likelihood of getting rejected. Not only did you get accepted, but to BETHEL, the school that 18 year old Ann only dreamed about going to. Things come full circle little girl, good on you.

You've got bad ass grades. Despite insecurities and juggling your many commitments, you managed to  get grades you hadn't seen since high school. Not to mention every break down and mess of tears you sat in, got you here, humbly. Your insecurities still loom around your brain, but you get through it regardless. Yo, I'm proud. 

You didn't plan on staying with Step By Step Montessori, but guess what? You just had your one year anniversary at this job. I know you planned to quit the early childhood scene altogether, but no one else hired you. You develop loose relationships with the people you work with, but all the while knowing in your heart and mind that this is not where you're going to end up after such a courageous departure from Children's Home.

You hated this job, which was fine because while you couldn't bare the idea of quitting such a cushy situation, your job quit you. You would have been dumb to ditch the hours and the pay for the amount of work you do, but you needed to go. Think of this as the universe's way of freeing you.
You've been relieved of your duties and now you can fly.

You've found the love of your life. You two have grown immensely, as a couple, and as individuals. This is perfect, you saw it in the movies, exactly what you thought it'd be. Remember that time in your life when you thought love didn't exist and all men should just die? Well shove it, because it does exist, you've found it, and you'll have it forever.

You're so physically fit, your teenage self would swoon. You know that tripod headstand? You can do it. You're tanner and toner than you've ever been, so marvel in it. All those years you spent wishin' and hopin' to be in shape are gone. You're confident, strong, and hot. rawrrr.

You have changed the world. It was your dream, is your dream. You've forgotten to realize that you're changing it as you go. Everyone who interacts with you benefits from your presence, you know this, they've told you. The impact you leave on them creates a domino effect as they, in turn, impact others. Even though it's your end goal, you have to acknowledge the footprints you're leaving now.

You're doing good, kid. Get your head out of comparison mode, it's literally killing you. This isn't anyone else's track but your own, and for the longest time, that's exactly how you want it. 

You've fought for this, defend it, and keep going. 

Color outside the lines, dance when you feel like it, and sing, sing because that's what you love to do. 

Don't give a fuck about what anyone thinks, it really doesn't matter. 

I love you, I know I need to show it more, and I will. For our sake.
We got this.
Ann