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"What would your ideal job look like?"

The interviewer looks at me curiously as I'm sifting through the files in my mind for some sort of answer. I'm usually good at interviews, with the exception of having to talk about myself so much, I love connecting with people, whipping out the charm, and talking about all the experiences I've had and how they make up who I am today. 

My body began to heat up as I realized how clueless I was of this. I'm frantically racking my brain for any trace of my " Big Picture" to no avail. I simply couldn't.

 It sounds like such an obvious question, why is it that I'm at a loss for words? It doesn't make sense.

I literally don't know what I want.

This is the first time in my life that I've ever felt this way. I've always had some sort of an idea, but here I was interviewing for a job I wasn't feeling strongly about, not sure of what I want from my life. It's a strange feeling, not the good strange either.

Dear Ann...

Dear Ann,

I know you're feeling useless at the moment, it's driving you crazy that you're not going a mile a minute with all sorts of things to knock of a never ending to do list. It's okay though, you deserve this. As much as it's killing you to have this much time on your hands, it'd literally kill you if you didn't.

I'm so hard so hard on you, beating you down just for being you. I doubt your abilities, from being able to lift heavy enough weights, or writing a good enough paper, I'm always declaring your failure before you even start. All the while, you see me be compassionate, understanding and forgiving to everyone else and their shortcomings. No, it's not fair, and it is definitely not on purpose. I pay more attention to everything you're not, rather than highlighting everything you do and have.

You're not even a month into life as a 25 year old, so why are you already pressing for '25' as you picture it?

Instead of counting your so called shortcomings as a 25 year old, let's not disregard everything you accomplished at 24.

You got into grad school, to some that's just the circle of life, but for you, it was like moving mountains. You had to overcome your insecurities about your writing skills, your GPA, and the likelihood of getting rejected. Not only did you get accepted, but to BETHEL, the school that 18 year old Ann only dreamed about going to. Things come full circle little girl, good on you.

You've got bad ass grades. Despite insecurities and juggling your many commitments, you managed to  get grades you hadn't seen since high school. Not to mention every break down and mess of tears you sat in, got you here, humbly. Your insecurities still loom around your brain, but you get through it regardless. Yo, I'm proud. 

You didn't plan on staying with Step By Step Montessori, but guess what? You just had your one year anniversary at this job. I know you planned to quit the early childhood scene altogether, but no one else hired you. You develop loose relationships with the people you work with, but all the while knowing in your heart and mind that this is not where you're going to end up after such a courageous departure from Children's Home.

You hated this job, which was fine because while you couldn't bare the idea of quitting such a cushy situation, your job quit you. You would have been dumb to ditch the hours and the pay for the amount of work you do, but you needed to go. Think of this as the universe's way of freeing you.
You've been relieved of your duties and now you can fly.

You've found the love of your life. You two have grown immensely, as a couple, and as individuals. This is perfect, you saw it in the movies, exactly what you thought it'd be. Remember that time in your life when you thought love didn't exist and all men should just die? Well shove it, because it does exist, you've found it, and you'll have it forever.

You're so physically fit, your teenage self would swoon. You know that tripod headstand? You can do it. You're tanner and toner than you've ever been, so marvel in it. All those years you spent wishin' and hopin' to be in shape are gone. You're confident, strong, and hot. rawrrr.

You have changed the world. It was your dream, is your dream. You've forgotten to realize that you're changing it as you go. Everyone who interacts with you benefits from your presence, you know this, they've told you. The impact you leave on them creates a domino effect as they, in turn, impact others. Even though it's your end goal, you have to acknowledge the footprints you're leaving now.

You're doing good, kid. Get your head out of comparison mode, it's literally killing you. This isn't anyone else's track but your own, and for the longest time, that's exactly how you want it. 

You've fought for this, defend it, and keep going. 

Color outside the lines, dance when you feel like it, and sing, sing because that's what you love to do. 

Don't give a fuck about what anyone thinks, it really doesn't matter. 

I love you, I know I need to show it more, and I will. For our sake.
We got this.
Ann

back to the drawing board

Sit down. And sit it up straight.

Don't argue. Or don't speak for that matter.

Listen! Means you do what you're told.

Smile. Always, even through tears.

Study! Because those grades define your worth.

A child spends their first two years being taught to sit up, walk, talk and play. 

Then the rest of their life they're taught to shut up and sit down.

I was very well disciplined as a child, my parents were meticulous in raising me. Though grateful because my distance from REAL trouble and some of my success have resulted from their diligence,  I have also developed an inability to truly let go.

As a kid you always want to roll in the dirt, yell at the top of your lungs, and act like a complete fool. I was no different from any other kid, however, I was scolded every time I misbehaved. I felt like I could cry when I needed to, get as dirty as I wanted, or dance freely and horribly. As an adult, I'm feeling such a strong need to be free. To feel like I can act silly when I feel like, sing because I love to, dance when I have the energy, and cry if thats what I need to do. I find myself sitting on the sidelines, living vicariously through the characters in my life who express how they feel with ease. I say "fuck it" to nearly every responsibility if I feel like it, I eat however many fancy dinners and desserts I can stomach, and I do whatever I put on my bucket list, HOWEVER, I struggle on the daily to feel like I can act how I want to. 

To say what I think, and to act how I feel without the slightest acknowledgement of what others will think of me feels nearly impossible. I'm being torn to shreds by the disparity of this. Yes, I admit it, I want to be silly with my boyfriend, and be as outgoing as my best friend. 

How? How do you re-program years of condition and now habit?

Good question.

More later. I'm back to the drawing board. 

My 25 before 25

1. Travel. I want to say that I've seen as much as I could of the world by the time I'm an old lady. Time is of the essence and now is all I have. By the time I am 25 I want to say that I have experienced 5 new places. That's right, 5. By next year, oh boy.

2. Yoga. I found my passion a year ago and I want to continue to grow in this. By 25, I want a job as a yoga instructor to inspire myself and others to live their best.

3. I want to say that I had a great first year in grad school. I haven't been the best student, so this is my second chance so to speak.  I am talking highest honors here, I plan on doing my best and I intend on that being enough.

4. Healthy eating. I want to be able to eat better. I struggling to resist all things fast food since forever but I want to make a lifestyle change. I'm not going to quit cold turkey but I certainly want to better my habits by 25.

5. Savings. I want to have a sturdy amount of money in my savings account a year from now. Being unemployed for a solid two months has me working from the bottom up. It's been especially difficult being that I'm investing a lot of what I have into other endeavors. By next year, I want it all to come back to me.

6.