try me

As I sit in one of the safest spaces I have on this world ( my office at work), I'm reflecting on the weekend and hurricane of shitty feelings that had been conjured up. 

I was faced with one of my most prominent battles. 

The fight to feel like I am enough despite comments from people who state that you aren't.

 Fighting the desire to please, to meet expectations of being both thin, attractive, obedient, and successful (financially, forget that figurative impact you can have on the hearts of others. That can go unacknowledged). 

Fighting the firey uge to toss my middle finger in the air and advocate for the bad ass they refuse to see in me. 

I FUCKING DARE YOU TO LIVE ONE DAY IN MY LIFE.

Not to say my life is any more difficult than anyone else, I know we all have our own crosses to carry, and yes,  I'm sure I would pick mine back up if we all laid our own out in the middle. 

I just want you to see what it looks like to try not to succumb to media pressures of what it looks like to be an attractive woman, as well as embrace the fact that I don't have the figure of a "typical asian woman". To feel like enough in the body I was given, to love my assets, to embrace my uniqueness. 

I WORK FUCKING HARD FOR THE BODY THAT I HAVE. While I know many MANY people who can sit on a bag of bqq chips and look the same, or "better" by these standards. I can't help but wonder what the HELL YOU ALL WANT FROM ME.

Why am I even doing this for you? Wait, I'm not. But why then are your comments like daggers to my heart?! 

 I am also in the process of finishing a Master's degree that would love to be the only thing in my life but I CHOOSE to teach Sunday school so I can be sure to leave a positive impact on the youth today. All the while, I am STRUGGLING to throw my dream wedding that not only meets my values of celebrating the union between myself and the love of my life but also pleases all critical Vietnamese who like to think the bride ought to treat THEM like royalty. 

Now, let's do all of this and still be able to meet at home expectations of being a good daughter who is present under the roof. Sit in your room the whole time, whatever, just be there. Your presence is represented as your love and loyalty. It so appears that I can't love both them and myself at this point in life because a 26yr old who wants to build a life for herself can't do that while cooped up in her bedroom. Maybe if she was shown some grace and support in her endeavors? God, just chew on that for a second? 

No, I won't place blame on anyone else. There's going to be people who fucking talk where ever I go. I really have to learn to shake these things off because I know, as well as the other supporters of my life, what my life looks like. What I am capable of. And what to be proud of. 

Shoot me for wanting a little outward approval for the hard work I put in to being the greatest at what I am from my family. 

If I was so happy with the house that I built with the cards I was dealt, how is it so damn easy to feel this shitty because of a few critiques about my appearance. 

END RANT. and the end of this bullshit. i am finished.