Girl on Fire

Nick ran his first marathon today and as the fiance and number one supporter I woke up at 4:30am to drive him and  Giang to the race. I headed back afterwards and took a nap since my emotions kept me up really late last night.

I got to the finish line early so as to not miss their triumphant crossing of the finish line. I missed it for Nick's half marathon because I had to drive over from my 7k. I picked a spot among the cheering crowd a couple feet in front of the finish line. It was 30 minutes before Nick and Giang end up crossing the finish, but in my wait, I cheered for so many others vying for that finish line. I couldn't help but feel their joy, pride, relief one by one as they cross the line. We all clapped and yelped at everyone as they close the distance between them and the finish. It was awe-inspiring. The runners were of all walks of life, body types, ethnic backgrounds. Some ran alone, some ran with their buddies, and couples ran holding hands. There was a father who ran with a stroller of two little kids, as he approached the finish, he let them get out and cross the finish line with him. A couple ran across holding hands up in the air and after they crossed, the guy got down on one knee and proposed. Seeing all of this brought a rise of all sorts of emotion. I've been having a particularly rough weekend and I seemed to have leeched off what everyone who was crossing the line was feeling. I was so excited for them it made me want to cry...

I saw determination in the eyes of all of the runners, they are fixated on the banner with FINISH boldly printed. I felt fire radiating off everyone who was approaching the end of their race. It was amazing how this fire is expressed differently in everyone. It made me want to run again. I realized how addicted I am to feeling like I completed, finished, achieved a goal of mine. Hence the excitement when I ran the other races, or when I complete teacher training...I NEED A WIN in my life again. I decided as I was clapping and yelping for all the runners today, that I will lace up my own shoes, have the same FIRE in my eyes as I approach my own finish line. 

It just makes me think of how we all need this in life, I'm addicted to this feeling, and yet, navigating my career life and finding a finish line for that has been the biggest challenge I've ever had. I can't seem to put my finger on a job that I would enjoy, that would employ my gifts, that I could feel that much determination and excitement for. I don't believe I've ever put forth 100% on anything and I wonder why that is. What is it that bars me from it? Why am I low-balling job wise, and how do I break this cycle? 

I don't think I can afford it, but I'm going to gift myself this run. I want Nick to cheer me on my finish, and I want this girl to be on FIRE once again. 

 

Knowing the difference

What do you want to be when you grow up? 

We're often asked this as kids, to which we would answer with what ever occupation we feel like we want to pursue later in life. That's the root of the struggle in young adulthood as we try to make our place in the world. As children we were taught to define who we are with the occupation we choose and as we begin to understand ourselves, we find that there is no single occupation out there that could do the trick. 

That's because this is not how it works.

What we really should be asking is 

Who do you want to be? 

This is how you would want to define yourself. Your occupation can only account for so much, it's what you bring to the table that really counts. We all know that each teacher has different strengths, each nurse has a different way of caring for patients and each person within a career can have a specialty. Who you want to be deciphers what characteristics you strive to have, what talents you want to grow, how you want to make people feel. This is one of the most important questions to answer. 

Second question you should be asking yourself is

What would you like your job to be? 

Think on what you're able to commit 40 hours of your time each week. What can you spend so much time doing that won't suck the life out of you?  Be it making coffees and espressos or working for a large company - this should be something you believe in, something that employs all the gifts you are given. 

I hadn't felt the strong desire to write in ages. I'm not sure if its because I hadn't had the chance to even think or reflect amidst all the academic writing and other obligations, or if I really had nothing to write about. I felt the burning desire to jot this topic down for about two days before I found an opportunity to. 

I feel like this is a topic I could expand and present one day. I can already see it. 

I feel like in that sense it's wise for me to document it while it's fresh in my head.

I'm trying to make this distinction myself, I have struggled and am still struggling to find that perfect job and become a person I'm proud of. These two questions intertwine because I am not proud of the person I have become from working in the environment I've spent nearly a year in. I'm bitter, not hopeful, emotionally reactive, shut up, shut down, disempowered, etc. It makes absolutely no sense for me to leave this job especially since I'm in need of the money, but I can't stand to stay. 

I've been somewhat of a tumbleweed in the careers department, switching every time the wind chances just about...But I can't stand to stay where I know I don't belong. Each experience taught me what I needed to know about me, about life, about where I need to be in the world. For that, I'm happy with my winding road. 

this is my cross

The days upon my return from Fl were worse than I could ever have imagined. 

Over the trip I was able to peel of the defensive layers that protect my little soul and begin to expose it to the world. I had left that weekend with a shinier spirit and some energy to keep on swimming.

I was met in Minnesota with a rough couple days. I was completely stressed about school and feelings of needing to be 'good enough.' I had to teach the most one of the most disrespectful Sunday school classes I have ever had. Last night, shit hit the fan at the Vu residence, and though I held on to the peace I had gained on vacation with white knuckles, it slipped through my fingers. My sanity dissipated, my clarity was clouded once again by all the negativity around me, I boxed my little soul nestled safely in its chamber. 

Today was one of the days where I couldn't contain my disappointment anymore. I could no longer gratitude my way out, smile my way through, or just fake it till I made it.
 I cried while on the phone with Anh Thu for a while.
Just hurting over what my life has become and the product of a person it has made me. 

This is not the self I found while away. This is not the self I can be proud of.

I felt like so much is out of my hands, which frustrated this little 'fixer' of a person to no end.

My paradigm shift happened after shedding tears for much of the day, at confirmation mass. The Bishop, Piche (who is just darling, and definitely a favorite of mine) tells a story that made me feel like the clouds parted and God came to calm my pains.

I'm going to retell this the best I can, obviously not word for word- my memory is only so good.

" There was a man who carried his cross down the path, he was tired, sweaty, and complained of the cross he was carrying. He runs into Jesus on this path, who offers to take him to the cross warehouse. God helps him carry his cross tirelessly to the cross warehouse and sets it down. Jesus told the man that he had the option of picking out a new cross, one he feels would be better. 

So he searches through all the crosses. He picked a smaller one up but found that it was heavier than he could carry. He then stumbled across a thinner cross but felt that it was too big for him to carry comfortably. He picked up another cross and found that it gave him splinters, the next one was too fat to put his arms around. 

He spent time pouring over all of these crosses with little satisfaction until he looks towards the door. Picks up that cross and finds that it was just the right fit for him.

 He tells Jesus that he's found the right one and notices that Jesus was smiling and asked, 'Jesus, why are you smiling?' Jesus explained 

' The cross you have found to be the greatest fit was the one you were complaining about before. We all are carrying our own crosses, you see. Each one is designed specifically for you. All the struggles are ones you are meant to experience and learn from. "

I turned back to Chi Chi saying Oh my gosh this homily was written for us, for this situation, for this hellish phase of my life. I quickly turned back to face the front because my tears started welling up and my heart was racing. 

In this homily, God was speaking right to me.

It's as if he heard me yelling at him in the car and took this opportunity, this Bishop, to tell me that 

he knows my struggles are rough, but this is my cross.  

It's true. All of it. 

When the Bishop did the blessing at the end of mass, I felt my body heat up briefly. It was a little spooky, but I know He is with me. This is my cross, and I'm not carrying it alone.

This is the most I have felt God in a while, so thank you for visiting and getting my attention. 

I'm listening, let's keep on keepin' on.