this is my cross

The days upon my return from Fl were worse than I could ever have imagined. 

Over the trip I was able to peel of the defensive layers that protect my little soul and begin to expose it to the world. I had left that weekend with a shinier spirit and some energy to keep on swimming.

I was met in Minnesota with a rough couple days. I was completely stressed about school and feelings of needing to be 'good enough.' I had to teach the most one of the most disrespectful Sunday school classes I have ever had. Last night, shit hit the fan at the Vu residence, and though I held on to the peace I had gained on vacation with white knuckles, it slipped through my fingers. My sanity dissipated, my clarity was clouded once again by all the negativity around me, I boxed my little soul nestled safely in its chamber. 

Today was one of the days where I couldn't contain my disappointment anymore. I could no longer gratitude my way out, smile my way through, or just fake it till I made it.
 I cried while on the phone with Anh Thu for a while.
Just hurting over what my life has become and the product of a person it has made me. 

This is not the self I found while away. This is not the self I can be proud of.

I felt like so much is out of my hands, which frustrated this little 'fixer' of a person to no end.

My paradigm shift happened after shedding tears for much of the day, at confirmation mass. The Bishop, Piche (who is just darling, and definitely a favorite of mine) tells a story that made me feel like the clouds parted and God came to calm my pains.

I'm going to retell this the best I can, obviously not word for word- my memory is only so good.

" There was a man who carried his cross down the path, he was tired, sweaty, and complained of the cross he was carrying. He runs into Jesus on this path, who offers to take him to the cross warehouse. God helps him carry his cross tirelessly to the cross warehouse and sets it down. Jesus told the man that he had the option of picking out a new cross, one he feels would be better. 

So he searches through all the crosses. He picked a smaller one up but found that it was heavier than he could carry. He then stumbled across a thinner cross but felt that it was too big for him to carry comfortably. He picked up another cross and found that it gave him splinters, the next one was too fat to put his arms around. 

He spent time pouring over all of these crosses with little satisfaction until he looks towards the door. Picks up that cross and finds that it was just the right fit for him.

 He tells Jesus that he's found the right one and notices that Jesus was smiling and asked, 'Jesus, why are you smiling?' Jesus explained 

' The cross you have found to be the greatest fit was the one you were complaining about before. We all are carrying our own crosses, you see. Each one is designed specifically for you. All the struggles are ones you are meant to experience and learn from. "

I turned back to Chi Chi saying Oh my gosh this homily was written for us, for this situation, for this hellish phase of my life. I quickly turned back to face the front because my tears started welling up and my heart was racing. 

In this homily, God was speaking right to me.

It's as if he heard me yelling at him in the car and took this opportunity, this Bishop, to tell me that 

he knows my struggles are rough, but this is my cross.  

It's true. All of it. 

When the Bishop did the blessing at the end of mass, I felt my body heat up briefly. It was a little spooky, but I know He is with me. This is my cross, and I'm not carrying it alone.

This is the most I have felt God in a while, so thank you for visiting and getting my attention. 

I'm listening, let's keep on keepin' on.