alone in the sea of people

I haven't written in a while. It's not entirely by choice but because I've been struggling with my mind lately. Spouting nonsense isn't something I like to record so I start out a few entries then delete them when I see that it fails to capture my thoughts.


I am deeply ashamed to admit this, but I have become that dispicably greedy materialistic person. I've been out of control with my spending on random things and food. This isn't typical behavior for me and it's irritated me to be so obsessed with STUFF. Only for the euphoria of making it mine and later forgetting about it when I find my next target item. There's things out there that I eye until I make it mine, while other times I'll walk in with nothing in mind and walk out with everything that made my head turn. THIS IS WITHOUT HAVING A JOB.


This kind of stupidity only spells out trouble. But why do it when it's out of my character and against my beliefs?!  I did a lot of self reflection and this is what it's amounted to.
( I'm going to sound like a total geek here, but eh I really know my subject matter)
In sociology, we discussed that humans need to be part of deep meaningful relationships to be happy. Early in history we find that people clumped into tight knit communities where members are all equally dependent on each other and work together for the cause of the entire unit. Through time, however, the need to be in these clans were no longer necessary for survival and the concept of individualism emerged. As we adopted this new concept, we placed value on physically attainable things that fail to satisfy our true wants.

Now you can imagine the intensity in which I took my notes when I was listening to this because it sounded like the story of my life.

Pets serve as reliable family members and work becomes one's self description, these are a few of the things that we have to fill the void of PEOPLE. Individualism is very good, not bashing it or anything. I'm just saying that if we took a step back and looked at the trends in society. This is what you'd understand to be the motive behind it. We all yearn for these deep connections that make us feel as if our lives are COMPLETE. The problem is that we no longer get them from other people. In turn, domestic animals have become the ultimate companion. I hear how people describe how they listen to everything you say, they love you, they are always there no matter what, every time they greet you it's as if it was their first time seeing you. Why can't people be that for each other...? Others, get caught up in the cycle of filling their void through the acquisition of material things. Building their self worth with what they own. Experiencing the feeling of wanting something and be able to be satisfied with it, even if only for a millisecond.
 
I don't know if I"m really making myself clear here, I keep losing my train of thought. Plus, I don't tend to edit my blogs, it's what I think/feel at the moment, and if it doesn't make sense it is an accurate representation of the here and now.
..ANYWAYS..
I'm currently experiencing this void. This loneliness in the lack of that meaningful relationship. But even then, I don't plan on settling. So that's the rut I'm in, there's the fuel behind the obsessive greed and gluttony. Plus, it's all that ugly going on inside that gets hidden behind the cute clothes and whatnot.



WOw, this blog is very circular, but that's my current state of mind at this point.

rethink your relationships and reflect, do you feel alone while in a crowd?