lesson learned...again.

"When did I decide to accept that as a limitation?"

An inspiring speech on youtube ( my best past time) got me thinking. He asked a question that is now churning my gears as I type, " when did I decide that as a limitation?". As I reflect on my life in search of the answer to this question, I came to the realization that half the 'limitations' I have stemmed from child hood experiences. Here's where child psychology meets the here and now. We are no longer children of those care free days, we are adults, prepetuating the lessons we learned so long ago. Half of the limitations I think that I have are limitations I found out I had before I even turned 10. Ironic how I decided that when I was 10 and kept believing it since now.

I'm going to take a moment to break this down and tear the cycle.

I am not intelligent 
This was learned when I was young, marked by when my little sister started school. My mom compared the performance of each of us and had told everyone that the younger daughter was smaller than her eldest. That's when it all began. I never realized such a deficit, not until everyone told me it was 'true'. From Grandma to aunts to cousins, this tid bit was reinforced consistently and before I knew it...I believed it. That's when the self fufilling prophecy comes into play and my performance reflected what everyone had said. I hated myself for this, but I didn't feel as if it was something I could change, all I could do was pray to God asking why he hadn't made me as smart. It felt so out of my control; it had, after all, been like this for as long as I could remember. I defied all of this in high school...until college hit me. With all my life lessons happening to  me, my academic lessons were ignored. I fell back into the dark whole of  'If I only had a brain' and I'm dealing with this lesson all over again.

I am a pushover
Allowing my parents to continue to raise me past the age of 18 does not make me a pushover. When I feel as if it's good for me, I'll comply. If it's something so little as going to a birthday party, it won't break my heart to miss it. My parents didn't want me to go to Aus when I applied, I'll stick up for myself when I feel it really matters.
Exception is in relationships. I always trust that the person I'm with honestly cares about me and when I comply to whatever, whether it is where we go eat, or the terms of our relationship. I've been wrong in this, I'm not sure if it was the choice in person or if all of them will have it in for himself- I won't risk it. I double dare the next one to try me.

These don't come off at the top of my head because they are all so second nature to me. I'll add as they pop up in my head. For what its worth, I will work on the ones I've thought of now and keep adding to this as I see fit.

Here's to correcting old lessons.

get off autopilot

Living is a verb, not a constant state. Let's think about why we're here and what we're doing with our time.
Don't get too comfy, this is an ongoing thing.

“Do the things you used to talk about doing but never did. Know when to let go and when to hold on tight. Stop rushing. Don't be intimidated to say it like it is. Stop apologizing all the time. Learn to say no, so your yes has some oomph. Spend time with the friends who lift you up, and cut loose the ones who bring you down. Stop giving your power away. Be more concerned with being interested than being interesting. Be old enough to appreciate your freedom, and young enough to enjoy it. Finally know who you are. ”

Walk the walk

ValleyFair: Ripcord. Told Joe we'd do it two years ago so this summer, it will be time. You're attached to a cord with another person and both free fall from 180 ft up.

Work Hard. I don't think I've ever exerted all my effort, maybe it's time that I start.

Quit Judging. Everyone's just as ready to judge and stereotype me as I am of them. I'm afraid it's in my nature but that's hardly an excuse.

For the most part, everything I set out to do in life is in the works, I'm taking necessary measures for the desired outcomes...we'll have to wait and see.

Never let go OR Never say never

Let go of insecurities. They really don't serve me.

Let go of bad memories. I've learned all I need to from my experiences no need to revisit old pains.

Hang onto good friends. They matter, it's about time they knew that.

Hang onto faith. It's gotten me through all my troubles, take care of it even when it's not a rough time.

Fast Forward

About time I know the difference between quantity and quality, and which is more important to me.

Last time I rush through something is college. From here on out, life will be a stroll in the park.

I don't need to rush milestones, they'll come when I'm ready.

Life is short, but it's not a race, my pace is okay.

Can't handle the truth

I always said that I will lie to spare feelings before I will ever tell the truth. Maybe I should quit that.


Maybe I don't want to do what you want, this time, I'll tell you.

Sorry Sorry Sorry

I won't apologize for doing what I want to do.

I won't be guilty for living my life.

I won't be sorry for being me.

I won't be sorry for telling the truth.

NO!

I don't like hearing the word 'No" so I don't tend to dish it. Working on that!

Friends who lift, friends who drag

I believe I have done just that, there is something to learn from everyone so I won't do it entirely. I won't force myself to spend time with someone I don't like, or who puts me down. It's not elementary school anymore.

I won't forgive and forget just because it's the right thing to do, everything is dependent on circumstances, I won't blanket everything under a 'general' rule.

Power giving


No one has power over me now, and that wasn't always true.

I've recently learned that I'm not as powerless as I and everyone else thought. It's useless to know it's there and not exercise it, that's where I'm going to improve.


Interested vs interesting

I do whatever I like, whether it's cool to you, that's your problem.

Be old enough to appreciate your freedom, and young enough to enjoy it

as restrained as I feel at times, I need to look at my personal freedoms.

Freedom from financial burdens

Freedom from things like cooking for myself

Freedom to squander my money on worthless interests and a good time

Being as dependent on my parents as I am doesn't make me any less of a grown up than anyone else. Talk to me, you'd  understand.

Who I am

That's in the works, always will be.

it's ok to talk to strangers

A series of unfortunate events bitchslapped me to an all time low Friday night, I hadn't cried in months and there I was making a pathetic ass out of myself.
There are moments that will stick with you forever and shape how you are and who you'll become-this is one of them.

I won't go into detail about what happened cuz it's pathetic and isn't worth repeating but it tore me to pieces, that's for sure. Unable to hold my composure I told my sister and bff that I was upset and needed to go for a walk. Conveniently, it was the weekend of MAASU and we had rented a hotel room right downtown. A walk through that big ol' grid of Mpls was exactly what I needed. The second the cold air filled my lungs I exhaled in tears. I've been taking on too much and my mind finally caved in on itself. I walked for nine or ten blocks before I found a place to sit in the middle of Nicolette mall, there I just sat and bawled. I have been very stubborn about tears, I refuse to cry. That night, not only did it let it out, I did it in public, something I hadn't done since years ago.

Noticing my display of emotional unrest, a big black guy came up to me and asked how I was doing. Since I was alone, downtown, in the middle of the night, you think I would have been scared, but I wasn't. He sat down to ask how I was doing, told me to just keep smiling through the tears and left. Right after, two other black guys came up to me saying " Did that guy upset you? You need us to beat him?" I thought it was sweet, again, not scared but comforted by their company. They explained that they saw me with my head down from affar and knew I wasn't okay. They thought they'd come over and check up on me, " one hand washes the other, we see you upset, we'll help you out". They didn't leave me until my eyes were dry and by the time they did, I felt so much better.

The act of a few strangers made a rough night sleepable. I realized how wrongly I perceived people of a particular race. I'll do my best to recognize individual differences and acknowledge that kindness can come from anyone, no matter how they look. I also realized how one small act of sitting down and caring for someone can make another person feel. If I see someone who is upset, I won't hesitate to sit down and show that we're all people, we can all be here for each other- friends or not.

In hindsight, I feel like it was God kind of telling me how I should respond should someone need that. In the form of a test, God gave me the chance to do just that on Saturday night, I failed it. My best friend was very upset and drunk; I acted very insensitvely cold and disinterested. I blame part of it on how intoxicated I was and the other part of it is a character flaw. As warm and great my heart may be, part of it still houses a bitch.


I'm still enclosed in that rut I was in on Friday, positivity is a powerful weapon, but it's certainly not a cure. I am beginning to think it's a denial mechanism. I sense more trouble in the future. FUCK.

I'd love to end this on a high note, because that's just another psychological thing I do for me, today, it doesn't matter.

good. night.

Full Circle

Let me start by expressing my yearn for great language abilities. Some writers put words together so poetically I can't help but envy that ability while I'm here slapping words on a string. I feel like language is an art, a subject I forfeited when I realized it couldn't compare. What a shame.

Well, I finally got a job.Ironically, it's an art class haha. As I was taking in the sights on my drive to the school, the familiarity of such a low income community was daunting. I never knew I was poor, but in visiting grandpa's house every weekend growing up, I knew what I used to live in. I no longer put much thought to it primarily because it's part of my past. I grew from humble beginnings and that's all it was to me. I think of Vietnam when I think of poverty, not so close to home. That drive alone reminded me of what things used to be like for my family and had me counting all the blessings that have me where I am now.

Lucy Laney Elementary School in Minneapolis is my post. A wave of realization that this is out of my element washed over as I glanced at the bars around the main office windows. The on staff policeman also caught my eye and already I had a hunch on what I was in for. During the interview, I could see the desperation in the interviewer's eyes, I was going to be getting this job so long as I agree to commit.

I know it'll be a challenge but to be honest, it's about time I up the anty and stepped out to help a student body that intimidates most teachers. I'm new, probably naive, but very driven. Why not? Let me at'm.

It's ironic, the area where this school is reminds me so much of the Hanover Townhomes in St. Paul, where my humble roots are. I believe there are three types of lifestyles that stem from places like these. The first of which never leaves, there seems to be a glass ceiling above them and they are landlocked in this lifestyle from start to finish. The next would be the person who is able to climb up the social ladder and onto the level of comfort and stability. Once this level is reach, they never turn back and stay as far away as possible. With me, however, I'm back where I once started, but I played a very different role than I once had. First of all, I'm much older. Second, I'm not the one needing help, this time I'm providing it.

I can't help but feel that I was brought here to help. I was given the chance to live comfortably despite the odds. This is because I meant to go back to my roots and uplift anyone who needs it and hopefully giving them the assistance needed to be great for themselves and others. I'd come full circle and I'm sure it was entirely on purpose.

It feels great. I can't wait for this to kick my ass, and for me to bounce back at it with a vengence.

Now if only I had a knack for art. lol

"when i grow up" is kind of now...

That post I wrote previously was so ridiculous, I can't bring myself to reread. At the same time, I'm not gonna delete it either. Blah, it's what it is and we'll just leave it at that.

So, interview in about an hour. I'm nervous as shit. This is atypical because I'm usually comfortable with myself enough to pull through in interviews. There's a lot riding on this and I'm pretty sure that's the reason why I'm near-vomit-nervous. I was originally rather turned off about this offer when I first heard the news because of my fear of commitment. The challenges I might face scared me more than anything, I'm just afraid of not being able to deliver or not having the energy/spirit left to keep going. The support of my friends and family has helped immensely. Most of my worries have subsided and I've decided that this is what I want to do. It's part of my purpose and I certainly have the passion to change lives.

It's scary to go for something you really want. 

The rejection hurts that much worse and the disappointment is an unforgettable stomach drop. It's kind of like the love thing, you won't have the chance of being TRULY happy if you fear hurt or rejection.

I've been obsessed with law of attraction stuff, so this is more like a pep-talk to myself ( I'm visual I need to look at my thoughts as much as I hear them.)

I will be able to go in and work it out.

I teach all the time, this little demo shouldn't be intimidating in the least.

Everything about me screams passion.

I'm going to get my job. ( just as simple as gettin' something from the store.)