I'm thirsting for a hiatus from all elements that make up this little dance I call life. I have been dragging my feet through my days :working, eating, sleeping: rinse and repeat. I don't feel spiritually stimulated in the least, and this is the biggest indication of how far off from myself I have become. 

The commitments I've made in my life have over due contracts, I don't feel like my extracurriculars align with what keeps me alive any longer. I can't remember the last time I checked in with what I want, everything I've been involved lately has been a continuation of what I formerly committed to a long ways ago. 

I can't shrug urge to drop everything I'm doing and recalibrate myself. I've let my little world drive me, as opposed to the other way around. I'm fulfilling others expectations, I thoughtlessly do 'what I am supposed to', and I feel so trapped because of it. 

This isn't me. Post Australia I was goin' and gettin' it. Post grad, I was worried, yet charged to chase. Only a few months ago, I was enthused by the risks and the seemingly foolish decisions I made. Quitting my job for what I felt were the right reasons, and pursuing my yoga certification for example. These two things already put me in a position now that isn't what I intended. As a result, I've reverted back to my old ways, struggling to trust my own gut. It's a shame, because that's where all the answers are. 

I once wrote a blog entry inspired by the idea that

                                                                           people do not buy WHAT you do, but WHY you do it.

I've been feeling out of sorts as of late and to help me out, Anh Thu said that I need to blog. So here I am, hoping to put into words the tangles of thoughts cycling through my brain. With the small dose of clarity I gained from my hangout with Anh Khoa, I was able to reach a conclusion. In reference to the quote above, the missing piece in the jigsaw of all of my current activities is the WHY. I have lost the passion for what my obligations are which have me feeling very blah about life.

My dinner with Anh Khoa brought  a lot of things to my attention. He told me that he felt I was looking for something, and its true, I am. I'm trying to find my passion, and purpose. I have a feeling it's not what it used to be. I was unstoppable once, but now...not so much.

I've also realized that I am the worst worrier I've ever met. Instead of focusing on the present and what i have, I'm already preoccupied with what's going on this coming year. I obviously can't enjoy where I'm at when all I have on the brain are dreadful what ifs of tomorrow.

I'm going to rehash my commitments, dissect for the WHY and make sure I'm dedicating my time to what matters to me.  Nevermind everyone else, this has to be about me.

This is such a raw entry, but I'm tired.

Three goods:

beautiful weather

meeting with grandma, being able to tell her what i'm going through

talking with anh khoa, feeling that he understands, and his reminders of whats truly important to me

coffee inspired

"What do you stay awake for?"-Caribou

This is an excellent question posed by the plastic cup of my caramel cooler, one I don't know that I could even answer off the top of my head. Shouldn't this be in the forefront of my thoughts? 

I'm awake right now, and I don't even know what for...

Quick update: 

Although I enjoy teaching and fell madly in love with all the families I worked with, the environment itself was destructive to my spirit. The negative pool that this place became sucked the life out of my smile, the skip out of my step, and the teacher that I know myself to be.

 That's where I draw the line. 

New job or not, I had to leave. 

And I did.

Which brings me back here, in my cozy little nook at Caribou,

 staring at this simple yet profound question on my cup.

 I'm stumped. I can't tell you the last time I asked myself what I wanted to do without consulting someone else, going with someone else's idea, or having my own idea bashed and squared away. And that's the problem, my "put everyone first" mentality is doing a number on me. 

I'm going to make a list of things that I enjoy, and make sure that I work that into my day. Anything additive will be worked around this list. I'm putting myself first for once, and I can't wait to see what that looks and feels like. 

I keep pulling this page up because I know I should be writing. However, I always end up staring blankly at the cursor, unable to compile the right words. 

I'm experiencing congestion.
 Here, there, everywhere.
 I must find a release, I'm teetering on the brink of insanity without it. 

I'll pull through, as I always do. 

I just wish I knew exactly what my problem is. 

I guess old remedies can't always be applied to new symptoms.

Back to the drawing board.