it's ok to talk to strangers

A series of unfortunate events bitchslapped me to an all time low Friday night, I hadn't cried in months and there I was making a pathetic ass out of myself.
There are moments that will stick with you forever and shape how you are and who you'll become-this is one of them.

I won't go into detail about what happened cuz it's pathetic and isn't worth repeating but it tore me to pieces, that's for sure. Unable to hold my composure I told my sister and bff that I was upset and needed to go for a walk. Conveniently, it was the weekend of MAASU and we had rented a hotel room right downtown. A walk through that big ol' grid of Mpls was exactly what I needed. The second the cold air filled my lungs I exhaled in tears. I've been taking on too much and my mind finally caved in on itself. I walked for nine or ten blocks before I found a place to sit in the middle of Nicolette mall, there I just sat and bawled. I have been very stubborn about tears, I refuse to cry. That night, not only did it let it out, I did it in public, something I hadn't done since years ago.

Noticing my display of emotional unrest, a big black guy came up to me and asked how I was doing. Since I was alone, downtown, in the middle of the night, you think I would have been scared, but I wasn't. He sat down to ask how I was doing, told me to just keep smiling through the tears and left. Right after, two other black guys came up to me saying " Did that guy upset you? You need us to beat him?" I thought it was sweet, again, not scared but comforted by their company. They explained that they saw me with my head down from affar and knew I wasn't okay. They thought they'd come over and check up on me, " one hand washes the other, we see you upset, we'll help you out". They didn't leave me until my eyes were dry and by the time they did, I felt so much better.

The act of a few strangers made a rough night sleepable. I realized how wrongly I perceived people of a particular race. I'll do my best to recognize individual differences and acknowledge that kindness can come from anyone, no matter how they look. I also realized how one small act of sitting down and caring for someone can make another person feel. If I see someone who is upset, I won't hesitate to sit down and show that we're all people, we can all be here for each other- friends or not.

In hindsight, I feel like it was God kind of telling me how I should respond should someone need that. In the form of a test, God gave me the chance to do just that on Saturday night, I failed it. My best friend was very upset and drunk; I acted very insensitvely cold and disinterested. I blame part of it on how intoxicated I was and the other part of it is a character flaw. As warm and great my heart may be, part of it still houses a bitch.


I'm still enclosed in that rut I was in on Friday, positivity is a powerful weapon, but it's certainly not a cure. I am beginning to think it's a denial mechanism. I sense more trouble in the future. FUCK.

I'd love to end this on a high note, because that's just another psychological thing I do for me, today, it doesn't matter.

good. night.