lesson learned...again.

"When did I decide to accept that as a limitation?"

An inspiring speech on youtube ( my best past time) got me thinking. He asked a question that is now churning my gears as I type, " when did I decide that as a limitation?". As I reflect on my life in search of the answer to this question, I came to the realization that half the 'limitations' I have stemmed from child hood experiences. Here's where child psychology meets the here and now. We are no longer children of those care free days, we are adults, prepetuating the lessons we learned so long ago. Half of the limitations I think that I have are limitations I found out I had before I even turned 10. Ironic how I decided that when I was 10 and kept believing it since now.

I'm going to take a moment to break this down and tear the cycle.

I am not intelligent 
This was learned when I was young, marked by when my little sister started school. My mom compared the performance of each of us and had told everyone that the younger daughter was smaller than her eldest. That's when it all began. I never realized such a deficit, not until everyone told me it was 'true'. From Grandma to aunts to cousins, this tid bit was reinforced consistently and before I knew it...I believed it. That's when the self fufilling prophecy comes into play and my performance reflected what everyone had said. I hated myself for this, but I didn't feel as if it was something I could change, all I could do was pray to God asking why he hadn't made me as smart. It felt so out of my control; it had, after all, been like this for as long as I could remember. I defied all of this in high school...until college hit me. With all my life lessons happening to  me, my academic lessons were ignored. I fell back into the dark whole of  'If I only had a brain' and I'm dealing with this lesson all over again.

I am a pushover
Allowing my parents to continue to raise me past the age of 18 does not make me a pushover. When I feel as if it's good for me, I'll comply. If it's something so little as going to a birthday party, it won't break my heart to miss it. My parents didn't want me to go to Aus when I applied, I'll stick up for myself when I feel it really matters.
Exception is in relationships. I always trust that the person I'm with honestly cares about me and when I comply to whatever, whether it is where we go eat, or the terms of our relationship. I've been wrong in this, I'm not sure if it was the choice in person or if all of them will have it in for himself- I won't risk it. I double dare the next one to try me.

These don't come off at the top of my head because they are all so second nature to me. I'll add as they pop up in my head. For what its worth, I will work on the ones I've thought of now and keep adding to this as I see fit.

Here's to correcting old lessons.