back to the drawing board

Sit down. And sit it up straight.

Don't argue. Or don't speak for that matter.

Listen! Means you do what you're told.

Smile. Always, even through tears.

Study! Because those grades define your worth.

A child spends their first two years being taught to sit up, walk, talk and play. 

Then the rest of their life they're taught to shut up and sit down.

I was very well disciplined as a child, my parents were meticulous in raising me. Though grateful because my distance from REAL trouble and some of my success have resulted from their diligence,  I have also developed an inability to truly let go.

As a kid you always want to roll in the dirt, yell at the top of your lungs, and act like a complete fool. I was no different from any other kid, however, I was scolded every time I misbehaved. I felt like I could cry when I needed to, get as dirty as I wanted, or dance freely and horribly. As an adult, I'm feeling such a strong need to be free. To feel like I can act silly when I feel like, sing because I love to, dance when I have the energy, and cry if thats what I need to do. I find myself sitting on the sidelines, living vicariously through the characters in my life who express how they feel with ease. I say "fuck it" to nearly every responsibility if I feel like it, I eat however many fancy dinners and desserts I can stomach, and I do whatever I put on my bucket list, HOWEVER, I struggle on the daily to feel like I can act how I want to. 

To say what I think, and to act how I feel without the slightest acknowledgement of what others will think of me feels nearly impossible. I'm being torn to shreds by the disparity of this. Yes, I admit it, I want to be silly with my boyfriend, and be as outgoing as my best friend. 

How? How do you re-program years of condition and now habit?

Good question.

More later. I'm back to the drawing board.