Superficial

Big hair, tiny waist, big eyes, plumped lips, perfect legs, frighteningly thin are only some of the characteristics we idolize. Appearance isn't all that matters, but shit it plays one heck of a roll in our lives.


As a girl who's used to soaking up deconstructive criticism growing up, I'd always taken it upon myself give the first blow. From prepubescent acne, my first pair of glasses, too frizzy of hair, to pin straight eyelashes and NEVER being thin enough; nothing was ever right. And so on...from as long as I can remember and into my first few years of college it's been killing my self esteem like a cancer. I was never happy.  How do you break this vicious cycle of barbie bod worship? How thin is enough, how much make up is enough, when will I ever see someone and not want to look like them?

  How, or more importantly, WHY is it that such an empty socially accepted  definition of 'beauty' can claim the lives and self worth of girls everywhere?

It's my sociology talking here, but shit. If we created this ridiculous monster recognized as the "perfect woman" there's no doubt that we can demolish her.

Now it'll begin to get old- me retelling all the things being in Australia has taught me- but new things come to mind as my slight transformations reveal themselves. For four months, I was taken out of my contexts. No more comparisons with other random girls or even my friends, no more criticism from my family members, no more sitting around and envying what other people had. I was able to just make it about me; and that's when I felt it. Utterly confident. For the first time in my life I owned up to Ann. Sad how much of an accomplishment that is, but if you new me at all a few years ago you'd rejoice with me in this milestone. For four months, I remained positive, learned to love my own qualities and own up to my imperfections. I'm willing to change what I'm not happy with and most importantly- none of the changes consist of the shallow shortcomings my brainwashed mind convinced me I had.  It was my surroundings that fueled my constant self loath and dissatisfaction. But what a shame, so much of my mind was consumed with superficial importance for so damn long.

Here I am, back here, it's been a month and I've felt myself retreat back to old habits. Fall under the wrath of old insecurities, self criticisms, and those expectations that will leave me forever dissatisfied. But I'm trying my hardest not to succumb to any more of this bull shit. Frankly, I'm upset because I can feel my confidence dwindling in the air, my Australia self disappearing as time passes. All that was built is decaying at the expense of reshaping into the Ann that once fit here. I'm tryin' though. Determined not to fall back into all of it- or a least not any more than I already have. 

If I can be happy with what I have here, I can invest effort in pursuing real achievements.

Here's to swimming against the current.